


WTFIWWY, DC Edition

by Seiberwing



Category: Batman: The Brave and the Bold, DCU (Comics), That Guy with the Glasses/Channel Awesome
Genre: Atlantis, Central City Man is the Florida Man of the DCU, Christmas Carols, Gen, Radio Dead Air, Reporting, Setting Riff, Stupid Human Tricks, Superheroes, Supervillains, WTFIWWY, Web Show
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-20
Updated: 2017-08-20
Packaged: 2018-12-17 19:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11857785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seiberwing/pseuds/Seiberwing
Summary: "From caroling supervillains to mistaken identity dolphin girlfriends, have we got a show for you tonight."--This fic riffs onWhat the Fuck is Wrong With You? (WTFIWWY), a weekly webshow roundup of the latest stupidity that human has to offer. In this AU, Tara, an on-again/off-again supervillain with superscienced hippo minions, joins civilian host Nash to chronicle this week's nonsense in a world of capes, tights, and jetpacks apes.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Originally this fic had no header notes. Then Tara actually found this fanfic and tweeted it and now I'm shrieking internally AND externally. (I hope I got your dialogue right!)
> 
> https://mobile.twitter.com/tara_atrandom/status/987019452679106561

[Open on a split-screen. On one side we see NASH, the host of Radio Dead Air, sitting in a computer chair. He is finishing an e-cigarette. The other side shows TARA, the Mare of the River, Leader of the Hippo Lantern Corps, seated in a large purple chair in front of several large shelves of beakers, vials, and bizarre plants. TARA is cradling DOTTY, a chubby, hairless creature that appears to hold the qualities of cat and hippo in equal measure. ]

TARA: So I heard Grady went on an adventure this week.

NASH: Supposedly. Space Guy showed up, said he needed Grady's assistance to maintain the balance of the cosmos, and then they teleported out.

TARA: Why do you keep letting him do this with your cat?

NASH: Means I don’t have to deal with the little bastard for a few days. We don't have any alternate universe shenanigans this week so he must be doing something right.

TARA: You’d never catch my kitties maintaining the cosmos.

A VOICE, OFFSCREEN: They’d probably try to eat it.

[Long-time listeners will of course recognize this as THE INVISIBLE DAN, Tara’s partner in crime turned husband in crime, who resides in a dimensional alignment that renders him undetectable by cameras.]

NASH: Tara, you don’t have kitties, you have genetically modified hippos. You have abominations against God and his creation.

TARA: I won’t hear you say a word against my precious kitty babies.

[TARA firmly cuddles DOTTY. DOTTY makes a horrific rumbling yowl and presents her butt to the camera.]

NASH: Speaking of abominations, let’s get started with the nonsense.

[Patsy Cline’s ‘Crazy’ plays as the split-screen displays the show’s title card.]

NASH: Each week, Catherine and the Radio Dead Air audience go out on the multiversial internet, find all sorts of terrible things, bring them on back for a little segment we like to call “What the Fuck is Wrong With You”. So, Tara. Are you familiar with the phrase ‘cape chaser’?

TARA: Is that like a storm chaser?

NASH: Not unless you want to put your dick in the storm. A cape chaser is basically someone who has a fetish for superheroes. It’s like a sexy cop fetish, except instead of a cop putting you in handcuffs it’s Zatanna or Hawkman.

TARA: …huh.

NASH: And, you know what, that’s fine. If you and a consenting legal-aged partner want to play Superfriends with each other in bed, that’s great. Just don’t be this guy.

TARA: Does that mean there are supervillain fetishizers? Are there people out there who really want to bang Mr. Freeze?

NASH: If there’s one thing we’ve learned on this show, it’s that everything is a fetish if you try hard enough. Unfortunately this guy wasn’t trying hard enough.

[NASH brings the first news article to the screen. Below the headline is a stock photo of a woman in a cheap 'sexy' version of a Batman costume.]

NASH: From North Carolina comes the headline “Man Who Ordered ‘Sexy Batgirl’ Prostitute Arrested by Actual Batgirl”.

TARA: Well, that’s definitely some good method acting there.

NASH: –-okay, who wrote this. “This is why you always check under the hood.” Mr. Olson, go to your corner. Go. You’re in journalism time out now. “A Bludhaven man wanted for drug trafficking, assault, and attempted murder eluded capture for several months, until he was tripped up by a completely different vice. Harrison Marshall, age 46, allegedly called an escort service Wednesday night to a hotel in Asheville, North Carolina and put in a request for a woman to come to his hotel room dressed as Batgirl, with the assumption she would then provide sexual services. However, an anonymous tip meant that the woman who showed up at his hotel several hours later was not a prostitute in a Batgirl costume, but the actual Gotham-based vigilante. When Marshall became aware of the situation he attempted to flee and was apprehended by Batgirl who then notified the Asheville Police Department to take him into custody.”

TARA: If you’re on the run from the law, why would you want to hook up with a superhero?

NASH: Some kind of punishment fetish thing? It doesn’t say exactly what services he requested, which bear in mind I’m deeply grateful for.

TARA: Actually, I bet this makes superhero lives easier. You show up to a bachelor party or a Halloween party dressed as your alter go, and when shit goes down you’re already all geared up. Maybe you even get a low quality Party City mask to throw people off the scent.

NASH: Pretty sure we used that excuse back when we were doing the Vampire: The Masquerade LARPs, too. ‘Oh no, I’m not a vampire, I’m just coming back from a costume party and this is extremely realistic fake blood on me’.

TARA: It would make a great way to rob someone.

NASH: Why does it always come back to crime with you?

TARA: A rich asshole puts in an order for a sexy Harley Quinn stripper, Harley Quinn shows up. He probably thinks her beating him up is part of the show, and then she robs his safe.

NASH: Also this part makes it worse. “In addition to his preexisting charges Marshall was also charged with soliciting a prostitute. Police are considering adding solicitation of a minor, but since Batgirl has never disclosed her age publicly and Marshall’s phone call only specified that the prostitute ‘look like her twin’, the charge may not be brought.”

TARA: Oh, crap. She’s like sixteen, isn’t she?

NASH: No idea, but if we can’t tell and he can’t tell I’m going to go ahead and say he’s the kind of guy who needs to stay 100 feet from high schools at all times.

TARA: Ewwwww…

NASH: Staying on the topic of stupid criminals but moving away from gross, this one's actually a little cute. 

[The next news article appears on the screen. It shows a mug shot of a man in a purple suit sporting a goofy, gap-toothed smile as he leans against the wall.]

NASH: "Drunken Supervillain Brings Christmas Cheer". And once again, it's Gotham.


	2. Chapter 2

TARA: Only in Gotham would you get that combination of words in a headline.

NASH: "It's not unusual to see carolers during the holiday season, but one criminal took it a bit too far. At 8:00pm Sunday police received a call regarding a group of about a hundred people spontaneously caroling and dancing in the business district in the upper east side. When police arrived on the scene they were also compelled to join the dancing, rendering them unable to address the growing crowd of unsuspecting holiday merrymakers."

TARA: I think I've seen that musical.

NASH: Funny you should say that. "The instigator of the caroling was identified as 25-year-old William Harris, better known as the supervillian "Music Meister". While Music Meister has a record of committing musically themed crimes and mind controlling others with a hypnotic singing voice, it quickly became apparently that this was not part of a larger plan. Instead, he was extremely intoxicated. Eventually, the Gotham vigilante Batman arrived and managed to lure him to a nearby isolated park to avoid danger to civilians, before restraining him and taking him into custody."

TARA: Guys. Guys. What did we learn last week?

NASH: Freeze rays don't go there?

TARA: Yes, and don't use superpowers while drunk!

NASH: "Music Meister was not carrying any weaponry, but he was in possession of a bottle later identified as Captain Morgan's Spiced Rum. In a statement given to police while wearing a vocal restraint, Music Meister claimed that he had, quote, 'been having a cruddy Christmas and wanted to make sure people were enjoying themselves'."

TARA: Look. Christmas is a time to spend with the people close to you. Your family, your friends, your hired mooks, your uplifted Columbian hippos. People you know. Not random non-consenting folks on the street!

NASH: No means no, and a glazed expression also means no. They weren't doing spontaneous musical numbers because they felt like it!

TARA: Life is not an episode of Glee. People don't like that.

NASH: Why did he go off with Batman, is what I want to know. Did he think Batman was Santa? Was he promised cookies?

TARA: You know Batman carries around little bat-cookies just in case. Always prepared.

NASH: With dark chocolate.

TARA: Because he is the night.

NASH: I just...give to the Salvation Army or something. Or stay home. You will make everyone's lives a lot happier by not going out and being a public nuisance.

TARA: You know, Christmas has to suck for Batman. He can't just kick back or go to the Justice League parties, he has to be out working because idiots like this can't hold their eggnog. Everyone's having a good time and Aquaman's handing out the ugly Christmas sweaters, and meanwhile Batman's out in the snow talking down evil idiots who think they're in a musical version of _A Charlie Brown Christmas_.'

NASH: Speaking of Aquaman, our next story comes from Atlantis. Now, I want to preface this: no children or dolphins were hurt, aside from some mental scarring on the part of the dolphin.

TARA: That's never a good start.


	3. Chapter 3

TARA: That's never a good start.

NASH: "Nude Man Attacks Gathering of Children and Dolphins During Atlantis Tour. A group of American children saw more of Atlantis than they expected on Tuesday. The twenty children had been selected to participate in a cultural exchange program with the undersea nation, in order to promote peace and understanding between Atlantis and the surface world."

TARA: Atlanteans have families? I thought they just sprouted out of volcanic vents as little stinky sulfur-babies. Of hate.

NASH: Are you still upset about the thing with your mutant mobile coral reef?

TARA: The hippos and I had to waste an entire weekend gluing him back together after what those jerks did to him.

NASH: Him? Coral reefs have genders? Coral reefs have...anything?

TARA: He said his name was Chester. We're just running with it. Coral reefs are already endangered, you fishy assholes, and now you've just made the problem worse.

NASH: If anyone asks, I have no association with you.

TARA: Lifetime whale phobia. All on you, Atlantis.

NASH: Moving right along before we get nasty letters--

TARA: In bottles.

NASH: _Anyway_. "As part of the tour, the children were fitted with breathing devices and went swimming with a pod of trained local dolphins. The activity was interrupted by the unexpected arrival of a naked man."

TARA: Personally I always expect naked men to arrive. They never do, but I like to be on my guard.

NASH: "One of the escorts instructed the unidentified man to leave, while another attempted to move the children away. The man abruptly lunged forward, tackled one of the dolphins, and wrapped his limbs around it in a passionate embrace"--Passionate? Really? This is weird enough without you going all romance novel about it.

TARA: Oh, god. Was this the guy who wrote the book about getting it on with a dolphin?

NASH: Almost. "The man was quickly restrained by local authorities and taken into custody. Asked to justify his actions, the man claimed that the dolphin was actually his girlfriend."

TARA: It _is_ dolphin fucker guy!

NASH: "According to him, his girlfriend was able to turn into a dolphin and had arranged with him to meet at that location for a secret tryst. When authorities pointed out that the dolphin in question was actually just a dolphin he said that it was 'just one of their little games'. While there are several Atlantean citizens registered with shapeshifting abilities, none of them claimed to know him."

TARA: If my boyfriend did that I wouldn't admit to knowing him either.

NASH: She'd be dating a guy who humps random sea creatures in front of children. Do you think anyone like that has good decision making skills?

TARA: Maybe it really was his girlfriend and this was her day job. He just decided to surprise her at work.

NASH: And she's just faking it until everyone goes away. Nope, just an ordinary dolphin here, move right along, totally not associated with this weirdo.

TARA: Makes sense that it's a dolphin, though. Those guys are the sex offenders of the sea. They have anal sex, they will fuck each other in the blowholes, they'll fuck other animals, they'll try to fuck humans. We should be more worried that they let dolphins near our children in the first place.

NASH: Maybe they're just all really horny shapeshifters.

TARA: Oh, geeze. Do you think this is something people actually do? Would that count as bestiality? If it's legal for you to fuck a Martian, can you fuck her if she's turned into a cow?

NASH: I don't know, you're the one who does horrific animal experimentation.

TARA: Hey, all my perversions of nature are platonic.

NASH: Wait, wait, here's the best part. "An Atlantean spokesperson released a statement saying that the offender, whose name was not released, would be charged with public indecency, child endangerment and potentially initiating an international incident. He went on to state that he hoped the actions of one mental incompetent would not reflect badly on Atlantis as a whole." Really? They think we'd go to war over one crazy naked guy? We have plenty of those on the surface.

TARA: If anything, this makes Atlantis more relatable. I could never relate to a culture that didn't have occasional outbreaks of random nude lunacy.

NASH: It's fine if you're trigendered energy beings who live in the hearts of stars. As long as your species retains the ability to get drunk and take their pants off, we're cool.

TARA: Actually, this might be good for us. We have a natural barrier against Atlantis trying to get a war going. Nothing worth invading, we're full of naked and crazy. Ain't worth it. Just sent then the link to our show and we'll have officially saved the world.

NASH: Speaking of naked, for our next story we have yet another appearances of Twitter's favorite superhero, [Central City Man](https://askagothamite.tumblr.com/post/162214811791/central-city-man-is-my-favourite-superhero).

TARA: Dan’s got this theory that all the Central City Men in the headlines are actually the same man from alternate universes, and the reason they’re all complete morons is that they don’t know how our society works.

NASH: I’m opposed to any theory that lets Central City's rampant insanity off the hook.


End file.
